2007-08-23 - 12:42 a.m.
anyway, i had two really great vacations. i spent it with family. they love me! imagine...someone that actually loves me. no one in my house does, so it was a nice change. it was difficult to leave both places, but especially maine. i miss my family every day, and i've only been gone for 8 days. it hurts me. things here have been shitty. s and i talked, and i honestly thought that would matter. so far, it hasn't. and i really don't have much hope that things will change. i want them to (i think), but i'm close to having no hope that they will actually change. i do have options. i will use them if i have to.
and it all comes down to me wondering...what the hell am i doing here? my husband could care less about whether i'm here or not. he says he loves me, but i haven't seen much of that lately. lately meaning 2 years. 2 fucking years of me being invisible. i easily blame myself for all the problems (and he blames me, too), but it takes two for problems in a relationship. should i be out of hope for this to work? my best friend believes that it's time to move on to a different life. is it? i just don't know. i never thought i'd be divorced. and i still don't know if i will be, but i'm running out of options. damn it. i'm analyzing this too much, i know. i know marriage is not supposed to be this way. good marriages have issues, but we have ISSUES. they are not all my fault. and i'm really sick of feeling that they are. fuck! what do i do? it's a rhetorical question, but i'm just feeling helpless tonight. as i have so many times in the last two years...at least two years. maybe it has been longer. i can't remember. all i can think of is the way it has been in the last two years. that's a lot of days to feel the way i feel. should i be stronger? should i just pack my stuff and get the hell out of here? i feel lost and like i'm drowning. i can't breathe here. i don't think i belong here anymore. did i ever belong? i'm having trouble remembering the answer to that question. fuck, fuck, fuck.
my dreams and realities are mixing together. i'm not sure which one is correct. and thus, the feeling that i am drowning. i have too much to decide right now. i hope i can do it.
sarah - i hope you are doing well. i miss hearing from you! love...xo
happy thoughts to all of you. please be happy.
