so, here i am...alone again.

we actually watched a movie together this evening. that's a step in the right direction. but then again in real life....probably not much of a difference. after all, he slept through the ending.

so....i am going to be working beginning next tuesday. i will be a server for eat'n park. definitely not my ideal job, but we certainly need the money. it's close to home, the managers seem nice and i've done this work before. we'll see how it goes. and really....it gets me out of this house. i really need to get out of here more often. i'm looking forward to working. i've been such a....slug. i just sit on the couch and read, etc. i don't feel like doing anything. i wonder if this is depression. i really think it might be, but i don't care enough to figure that out.

i'm going for a haircut tomorrow. i'm ready for something different. i got it cut not long ago, but it's now in that in between stage. i keep pulling it back, and i don't want to do that. i just know that if it is long enough to pull back i will keep doing that, so it is time to get it cut!

the girls are going to stay with their mom for five weeks. part of me wishes that they would just stay there. is that awful? they are not nice and it is so difficult sometimes. it's been nearly a year since they have lived here, and my (our) whole world has turned upside down. things are not good here. the children went to a therapist today (court ordered) and i don't even know how it went. s hasn't said anything about it. why doesn't he want me to know? but then again, do i really want to know? i don't like any of them right now, so i wonder if it would really matter if he said anything. i sound crazy, i know. but honestly, i'm just terribly lonely. some days i don't want to get off the couch. i just don't have the energy or the concern. i just feel like this "family" is hopeless so why bother. i'm not even part of the "family". they are the family. i just happened to stumble into it six and a half years ago.

last night i couldn't sleep. my mind was racing.... so many thoughts. i am a nice person. i have a big heart. i always care for others. and i like doing that. i hope that friends know that i am always willing to be there for them. i like daisies. i love receiving a hug or a kiss on my forehead. i feel lonely everyday. i don't want to have to tell this to people; i just want them to know. is that too much to expect? i long for someone to call me and say "how are you" and really care about the answer. i hope to go to africa one day. there is so much work to be done there, and i think i can accomplish something if i go there. i will be an amazing teacher. i think children are wonderful and they need to learn in new and exciting ways. i want to touch the lives of children and make a difference in the way the look at education and life. i have so many great ideas, and i cannot wait to get into the classroom so that i may share these things. that opportunity is coming soon, and i hope to take advantage of everything that comes my way. :) education is so important, and i want to share that with my students.

i wonder constantly if my marriage will survive. we don't have anything right now. i keep hoping things will change, but will they? am i just holding out for something that will never happen? or, is hopefulness what is keeping me going? and the funny thing is that i don't really have hopefulness....what i really feel is hopelessness. i don't know what to expect, what to wish for... we are very stagnant in our marriage. or should i say... HE is very stagnant. i want things to move, to be positive and loving. i just don't think he realizes or wants any of this. i honestly don't know what to do. sometimes when i look at him, it's as if i am seeing him for the first time. seriously. he is beautiful. and i'm continually trying to see the amazing things in him. that is difficult sometimes. a lot of the time, i see selfish things in him. and i always wonder....why doesn't my husband want to spend time with me?

i don't want to think about that anymore. and as i sit here and try to think of something good to say....i can't. honestly. except, i am a good person. i love. i want. i feel. i desire. i long. i need. i cry.

thank you, thank you for reading. please, any comments are very much appreciated.

love always,
lonely
xo

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