i'm still working on staying positive and using my coping mechanisms, but today has been pretty crappy.

you know what, i don't even want to type it, because then i would actually have to think about it and i really don't want to.

anyway, i almost have everything packed that i need. i knew what books i wanted to take way before i knew what clothes, etc., i wanted to take. :) books are just more important!

i have no idea why i am up so late! i was tired about 5 hours ago. i guess i'm just an insomniac. that would actually be the least of my worries...

it's so interesting....i actually need to talk about what happened today but i know that it would be better if i didn't. so, i'm not. i'm really making an effort.... and as my counselor says.....NMP!!! :)

really, really looking forward to poland. it will be such a great trip! i'm looking forward to seeing monika. i can't wait to give her a hug and tell her how much i have missed her. also, i'm really happy that we get to spend the whole day in dublin on tuesday! hooray! i really cannot believe we are leaving on monday morning! we've been planning for such a long time; it's hard to believe that it is time to go already!

just thinking about my dear friend, shannon. she'll turn 30 at the end of the month. i wonder how she feels about that. i can't wait to turn 30! :) but i still get carded everywhere. some places even say.... "are you 18?". seriously. how ridiculous! anyway, my dear shannon. i think i will go to her house on her birthday to surprise her! :) it would be a good thing to do! 30....really? is that even possible? i miss her. we used to be together every day in the summer. but that was years ago. i really wish that i understood why things go by so quickly. wasn't i just in 10th grade science with shannie sitting beside me? no, that was 14 years ago. 14 years? we have both been through so much! but i can still think of us listening to dee-lite and chatting on firefly on the computer. i have so many memories of us. does she have them as well? wow.....rogers flea market. connecticut. the beehive. lunar bowling. little m in her walker laughing in the kitchen. ocean city. all teh way. rudy on the porch. stas. cloves. lips and assholes (bologna). concerts - cranberries, natalie merchant, jewel, lilith. pete and chris. being usher(ettes). hockey games. there are so many. i miss her. i can see her face and hear her voice when i close my eyes. i miss you, shannie bananie! :)

just thinking tonight. about my husband. my stepchildren. my friends. life.

good night everyone. take care.
xo

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