another night. up at midnight and totally alone.

and he told me tonight that i shouldn't say things like that. that i should keep those thoughts to myself. that she hears it. that even though i'm not wrong, i just shouldn't say it. and yet.....his children speak to him as if he is the bastard. and he lets them. he listens to what they say. they complain. they whine. they think their lives are awful. they are clueless. they are mean. they are selfish. they are lazy. and i wonder if i even like them anymore. they have lost their sweetness of youth. now they are mean. they are teenagers. and their mother is glaring through their skin. i hate her. and i've never hated anyone before her.

and he thinks that i am the one who needs to "talk to someone". and yet....his 12 year old and his 14 year old decided that they didn't want to go to the counselor anymore. and he doesn't make them go. he says okay. and they are the ones.......they are the ones that need help. but forget it. they do what they want. and it's me that needs the "help". it has nothing to do with the fact that my husband doesn't like me, that my stepchildren are completely mean, that my life in this house means shit to everyone. it has to do with me. it's all my fault. don't you know that? everything that sucks about this house is my fault. it always has been. it always will be. no matter what effort i make to change. he always sees me as the one who is wrong. the one that needs counseling, etc. he really has no idea that his heathen children are partially to blame. it is not all me. they have a lot to do with my depression. i've tried to get along with them. i've tried to like them. they offer no reasons for me to like them. they are disrespectful at every turn. they are selfish. they expect things to be given to them. they want money for doing nothing. they talk to me and my husband as if we are the children.

i can't listen anymore. i can't feel anymore. and yet......if you ask him, it is MY fault. he is really blind to them. all he sees are my mistakes. and i must have a lot, because those are the only things i hear from him. he is quick to tell me what i do wrong....but a compliment???? i'd have to pay for one. and i have no money of my own. so, do i receive compliments??? absolutely not! we went to a business dinner the other evening and i dressed up and put makeup on.....any words from him? of course not. he doesn't even fucking see me anymore.

what am i doing here? really. he wants me to be the only one to make changes in this house. is that fair? absolutely not, but will i? yes. i plan on calling the counselor tomorrow for an appointment and calling my doctor to see about upping my anti-depressants. i will make the effort. but will it be enough for him?

i really don't think so. and the circle will continue.

how long will it be before i don't want to do this anymore?

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