so here i am. drinking again. really, it is what i like to do. i'm not hurting anyone. maybe myself, but really, who cares?

niagara falls tomorrow. ah, fun with the family. trapped in a car for 3 hours. i can hardly wait!!! why am i going? i long to get out of this house for awhile. i just loaded several cd's on my mp3 player, so i will just listen to that. my darling husband thinks this will be a good time for us to have "family" time. what a fucking joke. seriously, is he kidding? he must be. i am definitely not part of the family. i really wanted to be once. i really thought this would be an amazing life for us. all of us, him and his kids. but real life has hit me in the face, and i've discovered this is nothing that i wanted. he used to listen to me. really, we used to talk until the wee hours of the morning. about life, love, trials.... all of it. and now. i'm lucky if he listens for five minutes to anything going on in my life. he is a really good listener for everyone else. he is a great man. we just don't do anything for each other. and yet, why do i stay? i've asked myself that question so many times. and do i have an answer? absolutely not. i don't have any desire to be divorced. i want my marriage to work more than anything. is that possible? has too much happened with us? he tells me that he loves me and he wants us to be married. what does that mean?

"trying to find a light on somewhere. i'm findin' i'm fallin' in love with the dark over here. oh, what do i know? i don't care where i start."

great lyrics.

i never realized how much i don't want to wake up in the morning. but i think about it so often. this is not good. i realize this, but i'm just not in a place where i want to get help for it. things would be so much better for everyone if i wasn't here. again, except for my mom...which is damn sad. i'm not actively suicidal....i just don't want to wake up in the morning. i'm just finished. there is nothing else for me in this life. i used to dream that i would have this great life. or even an okay life. i won't. ever. i even think that i will be a good teacher. that isn't true. i'm not good at anything. and i never have been. if you ask people that know me, they'll say i'm nice. but really, who the hell cares? i'm not pretty, i'm not a genius. what do i have to offer anyone? i try and try to think of something worthwhile in myself, but i can't come up with anything.

the sucky thing is....i'm just another fucking whiner. i have nothing to say but boo hoo for me. but shit, this is me. these are the thoughts i have all the time. i never get to share them with anyone. who will listen to this shit? i just type because it's easier than making a commitment to writing. the funny thing is, this isn't even the alcohol talking...it's just me. and still i wonder....who am i? i've wondered this my whole life and yet, nothing has defined me as a person. there have been moments when i thought i might have an idea who i was becoming, but this has never materialized. i often wonder if i'm the same person i was when i was 11 and my dad had an affair and my mom tried to commit suicide. did i stop growing then? is there any hope for me at all? i really don't think so. i'm not blaming my parents at all. really, i feel sorry for them most of all. they have no idea how to be parents....or adults for that matter. all i want to do is help them, but i have no way to do that.

the funny thing is....all i want is a real person that i can talk to. no matter what craziness is on my mind. a friend that loves me no matter what and will listen to anything i have to say. anything at all. even my thoughts of not waking up in the morning. a person that i can call no matter what time of day or night. i've always been this person for others, but that is what i long for. i don't think this person exists for me. and really, how much do you want someone to know about you? do you want a friend to know that you don't want to wake up? do you want them to know that you are nothing? no. this isn't something that you want a friend to know.

xo please live a happy life. and hey, if you ever need an ear, i am always and eternally here for all of you. that is not a lie. i have always been an amazing listener. xo

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