earlier i told my 12 year old stepdaughter to shut up. very mature of me, i realize. i'm so tired of her. am i an awful person? maybe i am, but i have no guilty feelings for the way i am feeling. she is so terrible and mean most of the time. i have no desire to be anywhere near her. and in august, her teen years begin. what a lovely thought.

i keep wondering if i will ever be happy again. that sounds so trite, i know. maybe i need a stronger dose of antidepressants. maybe i need to run away...but i have nowhere to go.

when we went to the concert the other night, i was watching people who obviously hadn't seen each other in awhile run up and hug. i have no one to hug like that. sometimes i long for that closeness with someone. i feel like i'm not close with anyone. including my husband. he was once my closest friend. and now we are strangers. when did it happen? was it one day? did it happen over months? was it last year? i just can't figure out when things died between us. and yet i wonder, is there anything to breathe life back into our love? this is a question i fear i do not want to know the answer to. this will be our sixth year of marriage. is this it? is this what it will always be like between us? what's left?

i hate when i have these emotional breakdowns when i have a lot of schoolwork to do. they are just so inconvenient.

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