yeah, so i'm sitting at home tonight and i'm listening to the husband and stepson talk and talk and talk. i would honestly give anything for my husband to listen to me like he's listening to his sneaky ass son. ridiculous. seriously. and at this point in my marriage, why in the hell would i want to talk to my husband? because he fooled me into thinking that he was a good listener. and now, every time i talk, he zones out. every time. and yet, i still want his attention. why do i need this? i suck. that must be it. i keep suggesting that we go out and spend time together. not only has that not happened, but everytime we have a chance to be by ourselves, he asks the kids if they want to watch a movie, etc. or we go out with another couple. i like to do things with other people, but honestly, can he not be alone with me to let me talk about my day? it's so irritating. but again, i'm wishing and wishing he would just spend time and listen to me. is that to much to ask? i don't think it is, but at this point in my marriage, i honestly don't know. okay, enough about that for now.

i'm in a third grade classroom right now and i absolutely love it! the kids are wonderful. the cooperating teacher is not great, but i keep trying to focus on these kids. i hope that i am making a difference in their lives. there is a kid in my class that had to move out of his trailer by today. and yet, he is so sweet and accomodating. he is always willing to do work and he really wants to do it correctly. he is very, very sweet. all of the kids are really great. i'm really going to miss them when this experience ends. i wish i could just teach them for the rest of their schooling! i got them easter bags today, and they were so happy. i didn't think they would like them as much as they did. they were just small with a few pieces of candy and a pencil and erasers and a stretchy bunny. one sweet little girl said, "i guess the easter bunny was glad i gave my blue stretchy bunny to my brother, because now i got a pink one!" it was so sweet. i can't wait to be a teacher full time and have my own classroom. i realize that i will have to substitute for a LONG time, but i'm willing to do that. but someday, i want to have my own classroom.

other than my shitty marriage and my third graders, not much is going on here. we have a trip planned for niagara falls in may, but guess what? all the kids are going too! isn't that wonderful? screw it. i love the falls and that whole area so i will enjoy myself. even if that means not talking to anyone in my "family". what is family anyway? i think of my parents and i know that they just love me all the time. my husband and stepchildren definitely love me 'conditionally'. i don't fit in here. nearly six years of marriage. why? really. he doesn't even pay attention to me. i just live here. screw it.

love to all of you. enjoy your lives.
xoxoxoxoxox

oh, here are my american idol thoughts. i'm so glad ace didn't get voted off. where would the 'eye candy' be then? he rocks! it's okay that bucky went home tonight. he was good yesterday, but overall he was just 'mediocre' as simon would say. i really, really hope elliot wins it all. he is so good and he is such a good person. no more chris and paris. both of them only have one genre that they can sing well. i'm such a dork. but that's how much i love that show!

i'm done now. honestly. thank you for reading. :)

<< >>