oh, dear. the other night (several nights ago), i tried to add an entry and i added it to my notes. hee hee hee. too much alcohol. right. i'm drinking my last tonight. i plan on losing much weight over the next 9 months. i will be SKINNY for christmas. yep, absolutely. i'm ready to lose this extra weight. damn it, i've lost 50 pounds twice. i will be able to do it again! i need to. i hate the way i look (and act, the things i say, etc). things have to get better. really, they have to. tonight was not good at home. i actually thought i was going to leave. would i really? at this point, i think i would. we don't have a 'husband/wife' relationship at all. he was very mad at me tonight. he is very quick to blame me for all the things i do wrong. you know what, i know i have 'problems'. but damn it, why do you (does/he) act like it's only me? it is definitely not only me. and yet, i am the one that apologized. he is very willing to point out all the things that i do wrong. he says he knows that he does things that aren't right either....but that's all that he says. see, i'm always the one that's wrong. what am i doing here? i don't even know. maybe it's because of my cat. i don't want to leave him. yeah, this definitely all sounds crazy...but really, my life is crazy.

back to school tomorrow, after winter break. i hope i can last through this semester. it hasn't been good so far. i do get to go to a classroom next month. i really hope that's better.

yep, definitely rambling now. i just need someone to care. that is so difficult to find here. i'm not feeling sorry for myself, honestly.

thanks for reading. xoxoxo

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